Not my eyes (part 2)

“Tell me where he is.” She spoke on the phone as she grabbed her helmet off the shoerack. 

Ivan’s best friend stayed silent.

“Ethan. If you don’t want to tell me, remember that I know where your daughter goes to school, and she knows me.” It was a low blow, Leah knew, but so was letting your best friend cheat on his girlfriend. 

Ethan sighed. “Just- tsk. Ok. Don’t hurt him. 204. 14th Avenue…” He began as Leah stepped out into the cold evening, her eyes going to her black bike on its stand.

***

She stormed upstairs, adrenaline pumping as she knocked hard on the door. It took a minute before it opened, and she shoved past the man who had opened it, Jenny’s boyfriend.

There he was. Ivan, on the couch, a black ultrasound picture in his hand and a smile on his face until he saw her by the door. 

“Leah?” He got up, and so did Jenny and her sister who were sitting next to him.

Without a word, Leah stepped towards him. Her hand slapped his cheek with a terrifying ring that would echo for years.

“How dare you?” She pulled him by the hem of his shirt, throwing him towards the wall as gasps rang through the room, but all she saw was the incredulous look on Ivan’s face, until she threw the pregnancy test towards his chest. It clattered onto the ground as she spoke. “After everything you made me give up. After the person you made me become, for us. And-” Her eyes blurred with tears as she stumbled back. “I thought I would be the one to wreck us..” 

He took in a breath, reaching for her, concerned. “Leah-” She slapped his hand away. “Fuck off.” She said bitingly before storming out of the apartment before they could see her cry. God, she hated him. She hated him for what he’d done. More so, for every fucking time she felt like she was the problem, when he was the one who had cheated on her.

***
Leah wasted no time packing, throwing her clothes, toothbrush, and some of her accessories into a bag. She no longer remembered the necklace around her neck, or the bottles buried by the tree. All she remembered was rage. For all the times he had yelled at her for drinking, or taken away her bottle and sent her to their room- even if he had cleaned up the mess she had made. Even if he had been the one to hold her when she sobbed about how disgusting she felt. Even when he had driven around till 3 searching for her that night she had crashed her bike. 

And suddenly, the rage was twisted with a sick guilt.

Guilt for leaving the man who had only ever tried to fix her, and yet, had broken them both in the process.

“Leah!” The front door slammed open, and for a second, Leah forgot how to breathe. Then, taking in a deep breath, she turned to the bedroom door, and headed out. No. She would not stay, not in a place where she knew she had failed to be adequate, where her belonging was threatened in his heart.

“Touch me, and I’ll break your nose Ivan.” She said, when he tried to reach for her hand at the front door. She slowly took her helmet, her glassy eyed expression and straight blonde hair making her look half dead in the visor. And, maybe she was. She walked out of the house, and suddenly, the world felt colder and darker, but there was nothing that made her want to not go out anyway.

 “That baby is not mine Leah!” He called after her as she reached her bike. Her foot was still on the footrest, frozen. She blinked, her visor still up. 

His footsteps on the grass got closer to her until he was right behind her, and she slowly turned to him, every emotion in her eyes flashing like lights that had gone haywire. “But you-”

“NO!” He yelled, his voice breaking. “I didn’t sleep with Jenny. I didn’t, ok? She’s pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby. I-” He breathed, his eyes welling up with tears as he looked at her now. He shut his eyes. “I slept with her sister.”

The world seemed to zoom out then, like Leah’s brain was trying to capture every angle of this confession, just to make sure there was atleast one that wasn’t true. 

But then she saw it. Those blue eyes, brown hair, the girl sitting next to Jenny on that couch. Stupid mom apron on her, and how she smelt like cinnamon. 

Leah’s face relaxed. Ivan began to cry.

“I-it was a mistake. I swear, Leah. I love you. I swear I do, I just, I was acting stupid that night, when I-” But the rest of his explanation was just noise to her as her lips pursed into a line, and her neck straightened. 

“When?” She interrupted him, barely a whisper. But they both fell silent.

“..3 weeks ago.” 

Fuck. The night of the accident. 

The night he had cried in the E.R. when he had thought he had lost her, but she had only been unconscious for a bit because of the blood loss from the giant cut on her forearm. How guilty she had felt, like she could drown in it, but she hadn’t, not when someone cared about her life as much as he did. When she’d cried with him and they’d held eachother tightly, and he had kissed her, flinching at the smell of alcohol on her breath that reminded him of his wasted dad. 

When he had brought her home. When just a few hours after the accident, she had so shamelessly reached for the bottle of wine on the counter when he wasnt watching, and he had caught her. God, The screaming and her crying as he had taken it away from her, and then that horrible sound of the bottle shattering when he had pulled too hard. It had scared her, but not as much as the look on his face when he had faced her then. Like, like she was broken. And, maybe she was. She still remembered the stench of wine, and him sending her off to bed silently as the Sun rose. Before…

“You left for work.” She gulped, realizing the truth. The things that had happened in that stall. He shifted on his toes, acknowledging her conclusion.

She breathed, before looking him in the eye. “It’s because- it’s because she’s so, homely, isnt it? Because, I’m not.” 

He blinked, shock on his face, before it evaporated into, “No. No, of course not Leah-”

She stepped back, bumping into her bike. He was looking at her again. Like he had that night.

“You just think I’m something to fix, dont you, Ivan?” She said. “Someone you really want to build a life with, if I’d just-” Her fists clenching, and her breath catching. “If I was just…anyone but who I am.” Her eyebrows scrunched as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Leah..” 

She got on her bike. His hand brushed hers, but she flinched away from it, pulling her visor down. “You’re free then. Find someone you can actually build a life with.” 

She turned the key, and drove.

Deserted land, houses half built, a home that had grown cold flashed past her in seconds, tears streaming down her face. They were over. And somehow, it was like the relationship wasn’t the only thing that had ended. 

Trees went by her in a blur, engulfing darkness settling in where shadows had been. The moon hung high, and she shook with tears. Yet, all she could think about was the fact that it was over, and how her chest felt hollow and free at the same time.