Why loneliness might be the best thing that ever happened to you

Part 1. What does loneliness feel like?

As painful as it is, to be a background character, loneliness is a lot more than knowing no one in the room cares about you. It’s drowning in the belief that being alone makes you less respectable, not just less cared for. 

And that’s true.

In social hierarchy, whether you like it or not, being alone does make you a bigger target for being dismissed or bullied, it also makes you someone no one is concerned about because youre not a part of a group or pair. 

The good thing is, that mess stops the second you leave the room where youre lonely, and enter another room where you’re not. And thats the difference between loneliness and isolation. 

Part 2. Loneliness vs Isolation.

Loneliness is temporary, isolation is permanent. You can be lonely in one room, and feel like shit for it, and you can be loved and cherished in another room. Thats life, and as painful as some parts of your day might be when youre lonely, you’ve still got people, activities, and yourself to back you up the second you get home. 

Isolation is when you lack the last 3 things and the feeling of loneliness seeps into other parts of your day. When you begin to absorb those beliefs that are based off of other people’s perceptions of you in one room, but baseless in any other: feeling like you should keep your head down, the fear of being dismissed, feeling like no one cares. 

One will build you, the other is killing you. 

Part 3. Why loneliness might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Loneliness will teach you how to stand your own in a room where you feel like a stranger. It’ll teach you to enjoy your company and speak up whether people approve of you or not. You’ll learn to handle dismissal and criticism independently. And once you know how to be alone, you’re so much less likely to break yourself to fit into a toxic circle. 

It’s so hard initially, but when you have a strong reason to be alone. Like knowing the people around you arent good for you or against your beliefs, and staying true to yourself means being alone in that room, and that’s ok. Because it does get easier, I promise. To be alone. You fill your time with chatting up friends, reading and music, or watching a long form video while everyone else is talking to their friends. You focus at work, and actually finish your assignments in college. Some days are heavy, but a lot of the times, these lonely days even become pleasant. Your effectiveness increases, you feel lighter no longer being involved in unhealthy connections, and you’re free. 

But it takes courage to be lonely. Besides a strong enough reason to stick to your solitude, it takes tolerance to boredom and noise and feeling like you’re being judged. But if you’re sure of who you want to be and why you are choosing to be alone right now, then trust me when i say you will not prove yourself to anyone else in a social hierarchy. If anything, the only person you’ll be proving anything to is yourself, and that is: how true you are to your beliefs and self.

It takes strength to stay true to yourself and not let that become self punishment but discipline. Because there is a difference. When having a reason to be alone and sticking to it and still feeling like shit at the end of the day becomes routine, thats self punishment, and if it makes you feel like shit, youre not being true to yourself. Because after loneliness and practicing the discipline of solitude, and even finding peace and focus in it, you need to step out of that game. The same way a warrior steps out of practice. The same way a monk steps away from meditating. Even if they come back the next day, there is more to life than loneliness. And the more is what separates loneliness from isolation. 

Part 4. How to be lonely, not isolated

1. Real connection: the type of connections that make you feel like yourself, that bring you joy and remind you you’re alive. Family, and best friends. Think about anyone who has made you feel alive in the past, made you feel good about yourself. Can you get in contact with them? If you dont have anyone like that, you will, now. Volunteer, help out at dog shelters or feed a stray, help someone cross the street, talk to the cashier, chat with the florist. If youre too introverted, just greet them or smile. The warmth and goodness you feel doing all that, that is what connection looks like when it refurbishes you. Remember, feeling lonely in one room doesnt mean you need to carry those feelings into the next room. Take time, recalibrate after that period of loneliness, and remember that theres more to you than who you were perceived to be in this one place.
2. Activities that you enjoy: a sport, reading, making art, anything that makes you you. Anything that can get you in the flow state and makes you stop thinking about anything else in the moment, thats an activity that will lower your stress levels and make you feel good about yourself. 
3. Actually doing your work: this is huge. Being lonely in one room and being perceived a certain way can make you start to believe those things, again, if that attitude seeps into other parts of your life outside of that room, you’ll feel like shit, still. When you get work done, your tasks and you’re actually working on your goals, even in small ways every day is proof against that feeling of thinking you might deserve to be dismissed just because you were in one room. Because you do deserve to be seen and heard. Speak up where you can. Ask questions, learn, grow, understand, and connect where you can. In any room. If you want to truly be more than what people see you to be, do more: work. Fr. 

In conclusion, loneliness will teach you so much. But the most important thing it will teach you is how to take care of yourself without punishing yourself. How to show up, and how to still feel like yourself after. These are skills you cannot learn anywhere else. 

And i know its hard. Feeling lonely in one room, but take it as a testament. A skill you’re learning. And remember that you exist as a beautiful human being outside of that feeling of grit and pulling through, as someone who deserves respect and even love. For now, when you’re lonely, just remember. This is building you. Not just in this room, but what you do after too. You’re learning to be your own unit. To learn, and grow, and connect elsewhere too. Because as much as loneliness can teach you, only take it up with good reason and if you have a good reason, stick to it. Otherwise, remember that connection is also something worth giving a chance to. In this room, or the next.